Hannah Mae~

It comes in waves, I guess. The longing. The wondering. The sadness. The confusion. The outrage.
It’s hard to believe I’ve carried on living six months when he stopped. When he was snatched in one hit. One evil twist of coincidence and he was gone. There isn’t a day I don’t think of him. Even for a moment. Something will remind me of him. A joke I knew he’d say. I voice I know he could imitate.
I find it horrible that I didn’t relish him enough before he was gone. But how can one anticipate that?
I find myself wishing it weren’t him. Sinister thoughts beg time to rewind and take someone else. It just wasn’t fair.
But how could I wish that misery on anyone else?
It’s just hard. He had so much to give. So much love and hope and joy.

But I need to keep thinking of the beauty of him. Even in death. How he brought his whole school together. How he united enemies and strangers in grief and celebration. How everyone smiled for him. Laughed together at how he humored them.
How I’ve got to know strangers by bonding through his story.
He helped me see how fragile life is. And how there really is no point in blame or spite or regret. Death is something I have no control over. And there’s no point in living in fear. Only treasuring everyone and every moment.

I think of all things of Callum I miss most it is his smile. That man had a winner smile that could melt the pain and cheer the soul.
I remember hearing that when his mother had to examine his body he still had a little smile on his face. Even in death he was cheeky and optimistic.

I really love you, Callum. Thank you for giving the world so much in just your 17 years of living. You were so beautiful.
I’ll keep wishing it weren’t so. But I’ll always remember how wonderful you are.

6months today.
Happy Valentine’s Day.

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